Sunday, May 25, 2008

The unfortunate incident of the queer and Dr Evil in the daytime

Woop! It was bound to happen eventually but today I lost my queer bashed cherry!

James, you know James – everyone should have one (they’re all the range in Japan), just eighteen and already bald and shorter than most children. Adheres to silly republican opinions that he thinks are worthwhile; compensating for his height seems to widen and has an enormously hyperbolic sense of self-worth. A typical James. Obviously it would be upsetting being a James and so they tend to have a far lowered boiling point.

Like Madonna I feel sorry for disadvantaged foreign children, and so I gave it a hug (well I can’t afford to adopt it) that lasted no more than 3 (4, 5, 6, 7) seconds. This however, was clearly the row-boat that broke the whales back.

It went berserk.

Started thrashing the place and mutating like some retarded Chernobyl victim and it really unnerved the first years.

“ROAAAAAAR!” the killer bear roared “ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!” it said emphasising its point. Pumping up its ‘muscles’ it stumbled after me, shouting “Stay the fuck away from me! Stay the fuck away from me!” in a pseudo-hard ass accent. While trying not to let my bladder weaken out of sheer mocking laughter, I stayed put. Until the he shoved me away from themselves.

A friend intervened separating us before I had chance to retaliate (for the best I suppose).

“For fucks sake, man! What the hell is wrong with you?” I casually enquired, not even attempting to wipe the grin of my face (Jameses are so funny when they’re angry).

“Stay the fuck away from me!” he recycled.

“I hardly think I could do that.” I said coyly.

Now it is hard to miss a fat white fist coming at your face but, like if a baker were to fire raw dough at you from a spud gun, it’s also hard to avoid.

I could hardly move it was so funny. It felt more like an incredibly obese fish slapped me. But the James felt that it had won and plodded off to the other end of the room (apparently getting the fuck away from me.)

Within ten minutes it was after me again.

“Whey, it’s Stuart Retsis.” I greeted my friend (Stuart Retsis) before launching into the story of the unfortunate incident of the queer and Dr Evil in the daytime as said fictional character look-a-likie growled behind me. Giving it all the attention it deserved I carried on flaunting my wit and explicitly implied its parents were brother and sister.

“ROOOOAAAAR” it replayed. Shoving me (face first) into the wall and trying to hold me as if I were some sort of perp from “The Shield”.

“Don’t beat me!” I begged “I’ll get an erection.”

“You stay the fuck away from me!” he said pushing me against the wall as he pushed away. Chortling to myself I walked away. “You stay the fuck away from me!” he sounded like he was begging now. Smiling nonchalantly I turned around and said: “Oh come on James, don’t be embarrassed. You’re my best customer.” At this point I thought I’d better quit before I got raped and so I ducked into Mr Stuart’s room redy for an invigorating English lesson.

No comments: